Our Family

On the morning of August 5 2009 we got a call from DCFS. It wasn't a call we were expecting. We were supposed to begin move-in day with a 4 year old boy and a 6 year old girl. The reason DCFS called was that the children would not be joining us, instead they would be living with their great aunt.  I was devistated.
4 hours later DCFS called us again. this time with happier news, stating that they had a 6 week old baby who was in need of emergency placement. My heart raced. I needed no other information. I wanted that baby!  Then the caseworker proceeded with, "before you answer, you have to know that she has a 16 month old sister as well."
I could hardly believe it! I was in tears, but frantic at the same time. I had been expecting a 4 year old boy and 6 year old girl... not two babies! I had NOTHING for 2 babies!
Baynard was not home. he would not be home for 2 more days. I cant imagine how difficult it must have been for him.

When DCFS came,  I was thrilled!   The first child i was to see was Nanna.  Nanna was beautiful. she had silky shoulder length hair, these bold cheeks, a beautiful smile and this amazing almond shaped eyes I was in love!  My first meal with Nanna was macaroni and hot dogs (still a favorite of Nannas). She ate everything on her plate. and was rewarded with an Oreo cookie, (thus the messy face) She was able to use both a spoon and a fork. She would not take a bottle. She had no security object. She was a sweet child with a silly gurgly voice. She had 3 words. "Dadda, Eat, and  ah me" (which was actually airplane) She didn't cry for 2 days, but she also didn't sleep. She would NOT sleep. She would not be cuddled, She would not be held. She would not look me in the eye.

When they brought Buggy-Boo in to me, I know it was bad, but i just couldn't bring myself to calling her by her birth name.  so I began calling her "Baby Girl".  As Nanna grew, she couldn't say Baby Girl, so it turned into Gee Bee Gee. To this day, we still call her "Gee" (with a soft "g" sound) She had this funny little hair that stood up just like a little monchichi doll I used to have. She was so tiny. She was so somber. she was so helpless... and I knew she was mine. I knew that this little 6 week old, meth addicted 8lb baby girl, Gee Bee Gee was the baby I had dreamed of. She would not take a pacifier, and only would drink from dollar store bottles. She attached herself to her Tinkerbell blanket and she still carries it around.

I couldn't believe that I now had not only ONE baby, but TWO! The first year was a total roller coaster ride.
There were promises of rehab, inpatient treatment where the girls would be allowed to go with with mom, or with dad. There were promises of extended family trying to get them.  It was such turmoil. Visitations were horrible on Buggy. they were worse on Nanna. She still remembers her birth mom and calls her "Moo moo". We have no idea why, and every time we go near the Oquirrh office, she asks if she can stop by "moo-moo's" house and see her. Buggy Boo had a few weeks of withdrawals, but not too big of a deal. She was left with no residual effects with the exception of a slower to develop left side.
Now, Nanna has finished up her time at her therapeutic preschool, She has a monstrous vocabulary, is very active and very brave. She loves to draw, and eat. she loves to be daring and bold. She makes friends easily and is a charming child to be around. She wants to grow up and be a princess or a therapist!
Buggy is growing up too fast. She is a sweet and quiet child. She has an amazing imagination. She is very smart, loving and a sweet soul. She still doesn't run and jump like other children, but she is just fine with her galloping lope. When she grows up she wants to be a baby dragon.

On August 30, we will have been an official family for 2 years. I love my girls very much. I will always be grateful for their birthmom for bringing them into this world to be a part of our family.

I

One whacky morning

Today was an eventful morning.
It is Friday and.. well? aren't Fridays supposed to be the most anticipated day of the week? well, I heave a sigh and say that I hope this is NOT how the weekend is going to go.
It began at 3:30 a.m. when Buggy, Nanna and Sunshine ALL climbed in bed with me. it is against the rules to have foster children in your room, so I had to send all 3 girls back to bed. It wasn't 20 minutes later when Nanna and Buggy showed back up. After 45 minutes they fell asleep, although with as much wiggling as they were doing, you would never know that they really were asleep.  I got up, went upstairs and slept on the couch.
I woke up to the sound of the downstairs TV blaring at top volume "Salagadoola Mechicka Boola Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo!" I go downstairs to see all three girls dancing and around a huge pile of ribbon,lace, pins, glue sticks and various other craft supplies.
I look at the clock and it is 7:45. 45 minutes before Buggy needs to catch her bus. I send her up to get dressed. She actually chooses clothes that match.. a long sleeve sweat shirt with a spider on it and pink shorts. Hey, its predicted that the temperature is lower today... 94 degrees. OK. I guess. whatever. on closer inspection I realize that her shirt is on backwards, her pants are inside out and her underpants are on sideways. Self expression has GOT to draw the line somewhere. I get her re-arranged and ready for breakfast. I am relieved that they want cold cereal this morning. And today we are lucky, only one bowl of cereal found the floor. I am thinking in spite of the crafty mess downstairs it must be a good day!
But then.... it is now 8:15. Oh no! there is a horrible horrible stench emanating from... the kitchen... the garbage? no. the sink? no. it is near the table. HOLY COW! it is Sunshine. She has poop up her back, it is nasty nasty green. it is all over her booster chair, all over her jammies. All over her. ICK!
Off to the shower. I get her clothes off I hear Bleu scream "Why did you do that? its a huge mess! what did you do that for!" and I hear scampering, drawers being pulled open and the water turn on.
BREATHE! I tell myself. I close my eyes and take that deep breath. I swear i hear a groan coming from my mouth. part of me wants to just shut the door and pretend that nothing has happened. maybe it isn't as bad as i imagine? Maybe they will clean it up and i wont be any wiser? Doubtful! I finish with Sunshine. Rinse the poopies down the sink and throw some bleach around the tub.
I send Sunshine off to finish her breakfast. I walk into the living room. Two oldest children are huddling around the lounge chair, frantically scrubbing it with a towel. Upon closer inspection, I realize that it is a mess. I am sure that Nanna is behind it. After a minor tantrum, I get it out of her that she had the last of the eggs, (5 of them) and sat on them in the chair.
I am at a loss. I have no idea what to do or how to handle this. I did the first thing I could think of. Maybe not the ideal discipline, but it was spontaneous and the only thing I could think of.
I noticed there was one egg left. I grabbed it and cracked it over her head and realized I was hearing the bus honking outside.
Buggy doesn't have a lunch. We cant find her shoes.  Her hair is not combed. OH MAN! I send her off on the bus carrying socks and with Nanna's winter boots.
I come back in. Nanna is still standing in the middle of the kitchen with raw egg dripping down her head. screaming.
I have her clean up the mess from the dripping egg. it takes her about 20 minutes.
Then i throw her in the shower.
I can't figure what to do with the egg in the chair. I wipe it up as best as I can and throw baking soda and vinegar on it. 
Oh yeah. I need to run Buggy's lunch to school. then I get a call from a man that i had been doing business with. He claims that i had done the project all wrong even though it was exactly as he had said. Sigh.   9 hours of typesetting down the tubes!
I look at the clock. it is 10:30. Her lunch is at 11. I need to run it to her ASAP.
I cant find MY shoes. I go barefoot.
I need a break.
Back home Bleu decides he is going to play "Lets Dance" on the Wii. Maybe I need the distraction.
I begin playing. I am surprised! I am doing better than I would have thought. Sunshine is upset however that one of the character she says is "Scary!" so she goes off to play in her room.
About 30 minutes later, I cant find her!
She is not in her room. She is not outside anywhere. I check downstairs. She is not there. She isn't in the shed, She isn't in the playroom, she isn't in the bathroom.
I CANT FIND HER ANYWHERE!
I go out in the front and begin asking the neighbors if they had seen her. They hadn't either.
I am totally panicking!
The thoughts that are going through my head are that we have to leave for visitation in 20 minutes!
Where is she?
I know there are a few registered offenders in the neighborhood. Oh. no. please don't tell me! No No No!
Finally, Bleu hollers out at me, and he is laughing.
"I found her!"
I am relieved, but part of me is hesitant, I am still worried that something has happened.
I walk into the girls' room. There she is, asleep under a pile of about 4 blankets, covered head to toe.
I am so relieved!
I need to go to the bathroom.
I puke!
OK. kids, time to get in the van! Lets go! march march march!

Thank heavens the rest of the day was much less eventful. A little shopping and a nap?

here we go again

I heave a heavy sigh.
I thought we were done with the whole female drama issue, but... too much to hope for.
Something wasn't feeling right to me, so I made another Dr appointment. My regular doctor was out of town for the week, so i went to the doc on call. He suggested another ultrasound.
This time, my endometrium went from a 2 (just a weeks ago) to a 7. and they seen a lump on my ovary.
I believe I am going to have to have a biopsy.

It appears to mean one of 3 things.
Endometrioses,
a cyst on the ovary
or
Ovarian Cancer.
I would like to say I am positive and brave.
the fact is, I am terrified. and... I feel the little girl in me coming out. I want my mommy.
at the same time, I want my daughters. I don't want my daughters to miss out on having a mommy.  We were involved in them being removed from their mommy, I don't want them to go through losing another one.
My mom was brave and strong and I could always lean on her to steer me in the right direction, help me make the right decisions, and be there for me.
Now, although I am 40... something... I am having to grow up and face grown up issues that the little girl in me does not want to face.

Oh, I know that Baynard will be there for me, he will be strong for me, I can rely on him and we will get through this, but ... I want my mommy.

4 wheels and a life spared

My little family decided to pack up and go 4 wheelin' to celebrate my good news.
We pulled together the little green 4 wheeler (mine) and the white speedster (Baynard's) and headed for the hills near Eagle Mountain, called 5 Mile pass.
We were just buzzing around, and my friends, Earl and Anne were with us. Baynard decided to try going up this incredible hill. Me being a scary-cat, couldn't even go near the hill. But Baynard is up for the thrill.
He was determined to trek it on the white speedster.
I on the other hand, am much less about the thrill as I am the adventure. I like to ride to "see whats on the other side". and I am too chicken. if i don't feel completely in control, I wont do it. But.... my adventurousness caused me to get lost the last time we went out. so it has its draw backs too! I took off and went towards the dry creek bed.
He went for the scary hill.
He got a pretty good run on it at first, but as he neared about 3/4 the way up, the trail became very rocky. the torque of his super powerful man-bike became too much and the bike flipped over the top of him.
He was NOT wearing a helmet.
He had the presence of mind to let go of the bike and I believe that he kicked it off of him. but now he has 2 broken ribs, a bruised lung, serious road rash on his back, a nasty looking knee and several cuts and bruises on various parts of his body.
but not a single head wound
We (He) is very lucky.
the ranger chewed him out and told him he was damn lucky to be alive.
We think so too.
Sometimes the thrill is just not worth it.
As Baynard's Brother says, "you have to respect the machine".
We were lucky also that Earl was with us because he talked the ranger out of giving us a fine for not having helmets. He also wanted to take Baynard to the hospital right then and there. He, and the people that helped him back down the hill, were all surprised he didnt have head injury.

relief

I was just recovering from my good news. It is hard having that potential "c" word hanging over your head.
I guess the one good thing is that I really appreciate what my mother went through, both with her own cancer, as well as dealing with my fathers and raising a child on her own.
I hope I never have to deal with that stress again.
You begin to see things in a different light I guess when you have that possibility looming.
My father passed away when I was 10.
My mother had not worked in years, she had not graduated from high school, She didn't even have a driver's license. What she did have was incredible medical bills, a mortgage and a 10 year old daughter she was left to raise on her own.
But she pulled it together, got a job as a school lunch lady so she would have the same days off I had, She got her drivers license, and she budgeted and even paid off the mortgage. I would also like to think that she reared one terrific kid. but... that would be debatable.
I don't know how she did it.
Twenty five years later, it was her turn. She was diagnosed. She was so strong and so responsible, I honestly don't know how she did it.
My mother was an amazing woman, I really appreciate her and everything she did for me and how strong she was.
When I was stressing, hoping for the best, but worried about the worst, I was thinking a lot about my girls. What would happen to them. All the things they would miss out on. All the things I would not get to see them grow up to do.
I wondered if they would feel the same hurt that I did when my father passed away.
I wondered if Baynard would be able to hold things together for them.
the words that Buggy Boo said kept coming back to haunt me: "But if you and daddy die, we wont be a family any more."
That was devistating.
I am thankful that I do not have to find out the answers to those sorts of questions right now. I hope I never do. but, for any one of us, it is always a possibility.

good news, and baffling news

I received some very exciting and yet confusing news.

A few long hours after my previous post, I received a call from my doctor,

It was strange. I have never felt “dizzy stress” before. You know… the kind where they usually say, “Are you sitting down?” well, now I know why.

The news was both great, and baffling.

All of my “girl” parts are working and looking fine, according to the blood work and ultrasound. That is the good part.

My entire “girl” parts are working and looking fine, is the baffling part.

I was told more than a dozen years ago that I had no ovaries and had gone through menopause when I was just 21.   Well, the ultrasound doesn’t lie. I have 2 walnut shaped orbs. Interesting.

So… the diagnosis is that I am “peri menopausal”

To most people it is a sign that their motherly possibilities are over, and that they are nearing the summit of their lives, and usually looking to grandmother-hood. For me, it was funny.

Why was I told all those years ago that there was no way that I would ever have a baby of my own because I didn’t have ovaries, and yet, here this doctor found them, and apparently they ARE working?

Well, I can constantly drill on the why’s and how and what could have been, but the reality is this.

I do not have cancer.

I do have ovaries and probably now, PMS.

Its Friday the 13^th today, but it is a good day!

Today, I am given yet another chance.

Waiting

So, I guess by now you have realized that I have more potential serious health issues.
I am trying to be strong. Trying to be positive, trying not to worry. Trying to maintain normalcy for my girls.
Its not easy.
A few hours ago i was fine. In the car with Nanna driving back from the other side of town. I was singing at the top of my lungs with her the old song, I think the original was by Karen Carpenter, "Sing, Sing a Song."
<iframe width="420" height="315" src="http://www.youtube.com/embed/sU0MIJI-iio" frameborder="0" allowfullscreen></iframe>
I was happy. I was wondering what I had to worry about.

Now, 3 hours later I am a mess. I am sobbing uncontrollably.

I think mostly it is the unknown. Not know what it is exactly that I am dealing with.

I am watching the clock and watching the phone.
I am checking my email to see if my test results have posted yet.
It has only been 24 hours, I am not sure what I expect.
but I am nervous.
I am scared,
and I dont want to miss a moment with my girls.
I love them so much and I dont want to hurt them,