Nanna Banana holding daddy's hand

Nanna Banana holding daddy's hand
Nanna Banana holding daddy's hand

Sunday, April 1, 2012

The time has come.

So, I knew the time would come.

As with all things, I believe with most kids, it happens when you least expect it.

Nanna Banana is very concerned and worried as well as afraid that I will die.

I have tried to reassure her that I will not die until I am much much older, and she is much older, when she has kids or even grandkids of her own.

But it doesn’t seem to help.

I hope that I am not lying to her about it.

You see, when I was very small, maybe near her age, as a matter of fact, I was very afraid of death and dying. I remember going to Canada with my family when I was 6.  There was an elderly couple sitting on a bench in front of a gift shop. I remember tears welling up in my eyes. I remember the old couple trying to console me, but I cried even harder. I think they thought I was more upset about talking to a stranger. When my mom came back, she asked me, "why are you being a boob?" and I told her I was sad because that grandma and grandpa were going to die soon." She just kind of poo-pooed it saying I was being silly. But to me, it was scary and very sad.

I remember not being able to sleep at night because I was afraid of my father dying. Not so much my mother, but somewhere, I knew that my father would pass away before I was an adult. And he did, when I was 10.

I hope that Nanna does not have this same sort of intuition. Not as much that I am afraid to die, But because I am afraid of not living anymore. I have seen the other side, and I know that it is a wonderful place.

However, Nanna has tearfully exclaimed on many occasions, "But I will miss you too much.”

That is when I begin to tear up myself and those old feelings I had as a child come back. Gosh, those feeling I have as an adult child who recently lost her Mother. Part of me is still a little girl who misses her parents too.

I am not sure what to do at this point.

I have always believed that things happen for a reason. I am not sure what, and often don’t know why things happen the way they do.

Maybe it is to make myself feel better about my Mother’s passing, but if you do the math, from her passing to Emilee’s birth is 9 ½ months. Maybe I am silly, but even though Buggy is not of our blood, I believe that my mother helped her to get to us. This is one reason we named her a name that I knew my child would have when I was a child myself. Her middle name is Grace. I chose that name that she join our family by the Grace of God.

We were sitting in the living room yesterday. Nanna brought up her fears again. Again I reassured her that I would not go anywhere for a very long time. I am glad to see the emotion that she has about it, but at the same time, that is such a huge emotional burden for a child so young to carry.

Buggy, not one to be left out says, “but if you die, and Daddy dies, we will be left all alone and we won’t be a family anymore.”

How do you respond to that one? How did my 2 ½ year old come up with that and put it all together like that?

Rest in Peace
Bonnie and Steve
Eva and Lawrence
Jon, Emogene
Sherman and Violet
Tom, Marie, Jack, Shirley, Rhea, Paula, Marvin, Helen, Ray, Lizzie
DeeDee, Rick

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